JAKE AND THE THREE JAMOKIES REVIEW By Peter Falvey

Think GET SHORTY and the GODFATHER, then go over the top with some Hiassen, and you’ll have a pretty good picture of JAKE AND THE THREE JAMOKIES.

JAKE FABIANO spent five years in Attica State Prison for a crime he didn’t commit, a set-up by his old employer, Don Carravetti, a Brooklyn mob boss. When Jake gets out of prison he makes a stop in Brooklyn to pick up some stashed cash arranged for him by the Don’s daughter, who Jake used to sleep with. In order to get the cash, Jake has to get the key to the Port Authority locker where the cash is stashed, so he has to break into Daphne’s apartment and find the key. He decides the safest place for her to hide a key from her crazy husband would be her diaphragm.

"Once in the bathroom, Jake found the top drawer, where he had watched Daphne take out the diaphragm a hundred times, and there it was. Actually there were three of them. ‘Busy,’ Jake thought.”

After Jake gets the cash that Daphne stashed for him, he heads for L.A. to hook up with his old friend Benny, a brilliant handicapper, but too emotional at the tracks to benefit from his genius. But L.A. isn’t far enough to escape the Don’s hitmen, the Three Jamokies. So Jake takes the bull by the horns and intercepts them at the tracks. Here’s his first encounter with The Nose, one of the Jamokies..

“The Nose turned to see what idiot was coming in to share his stall while he was still pissing, and blurted out, ‘What the f*** are...’ but Jake's knife was at his eye, the point less than a millimeter away from his eyeball.
"One word, and the eye is out for starters."
The Nose tried to smile. It faded. “Jake. Whatta you doin' here?”
“Lookin' for you. Now don't f*** with me, and you'll live. Take off your shoelaces.”
“You're not gonna f*** me, are you Jake. I know you guys get weird in prison, but I...” “You should be so lucky. Now do what I tell you.”

Benny’s handicapping can run hot and cold, so Jake has to take a “day job” with Norman, a Hollywood producer who needs someone to chauffer his beautiful and troublesome daughter around, and to do a little strong arm work. Jake finds he’s very talented for both jobs. So talented, that he beds the daughter and finds himself in partnership with Norman. Here’s the scene when Jake takes Norman’s 17 year old, very beautiful and spoiled daughter for her first chauffeured ride.

"How old are you?" she asked.
"Thirty four."
"What the hell are you doing being a chauffeur at thirty four? No other prospects?" "Well, I do have the prospect of dumping you out right now, and quitting. Then you can take cabs, although it's my understanding that if that happens, you're very generous allowance gets cut off, and you get grounded."
"F*** you."
“Jake smiled. Tough. Very tough. "I understand you're going to be eighteen in a week. Then you can legally leave home and they can't say anything about it. Of course you'll have to get a job. What do you do? I mean professionally?"
"What's it to you?"
"What are your talents? You might have to use them."
"I give great head. What are your talents? Besides driving, that is."
“Jake laughed. She wanted to shock him. Young people always want to do that.”

Despite Jake’s efforts to escape his past, the Don and his Jamokies keep after him. First, Jake was supposed to die on the streets of Brooklyn, but he ended up in custody and then Attica so fast the Don didn’t have time to whack him. Then he was supposed to get whacked in prison, but the Don’s man inside botched the job. Now Jake is in L.A. and the Don wants him dead, and his secrets buried with him.

But, once a jamokie, always a jamokie, and the Jamokies arrive in L.A. fresh from the cold, gray streets of a Brooklyn winter. Sunny L.A. can be very distracting to a jamokie, with beautiful woman on skateboards zooming by their hotel, a race track around every corner, a wad of cash the Don gave them for expenses, and the Don himself three thousand miles away. They just can’t focus on whacking Jake. And Jake can spot a happy Jamokie when he sees one. He convinces them that they’re on the same side. He has Benny give them tips at the track, providing them with even more cash, and he promises each one of them a part in an upcoming mob movie that Norman is producing.

You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think, and the same thing is true of a jamokie. Bit hard in the ass by the movie bug, they’re all convinced they’re the next Robert De Niro. Accepting their call to fame, and smart enough to know that it doesn’t get better than this, they side with Jake and go back to Brooklyn with him to once and for all settle Jake’s business with Don Carravetti.

JAKE AND THE THREE JAMOKIES is a fun roller coaster of a ride through Hollywood and the mob. There’s enough sex, violence, beautiful women, and ball-breaking characters to bust a gut and a nut. For those of you who miss GET SHORTY and THE GODFATHER, and want a few laughs along the way, this is the book for you.